Lesson One: Protecting Your
E-Life: In which your cushy chair, free phone and fast T1
all reveal a price to be paid: that of privacy. The corporation
"owns" everything, can see your browsing history, cache, and could
record your keystrokes. Whatdya do?
Lesson Two: Not All NetSlaves
Are Created Equal: A pecking order exists in NetSlavery -
whether you care to admit it. Find out who you are, who THEY are,
and whom you should stay away from, whether it be The Mole People,
The Fry Cooks, The Robots or the nine others.
Lesson Three: How to Read New
Media Want-Ads: What do employers really want? Blood? Head
on a Stick? An IPO Voodoo
Doll? Find out with this exhaustive report from the NetSlaves
Research Institute, scouring the fields of Design, Editorial,
Marketing and Sales, and more.
Lesson Four: Navigating the New
Media Mine Field (Relationship Advice for the Ladies):
Being male dominated (yet hopelessly afloat with romantic lusers),
you can nail down the population to two types of penis bearing
NetSlave. Find the way into their heart, or the way away from their
advances (if you could call it that).
Lesson Five: Are You a
"NetSlave?" Take the Quiz!: The NetSlaves Research Institute
has done it again, bringing you this hands-down indicator of your
status as a "NetSlave". Print it out, pass it on, see who fails
"Part IV: YOUR HOPES AND FEARS FOR THE FUTURE".
Lesson Six: Time to Recycle!
What to Do with Old Marketing Crap?: Chances are you've been
through the rise and fall of several ill-fated enterprises, each
falling more tragically, more beautifully than the last. The one
question remains: what do you do with all the crap they gave you?
Lesson Seven: Take a NetSlave
Vacation!: Follow the adventures of Steve and Bill as they
travel in search of the ultimate vacation. They end up at perhaps
the most fierce some of haunts: IPO Land. Give them a hand for
surviving this mess...
Lesson Eight: Fight Workplace
Oppression with Audio Subversion How do you make clear to
your managers and co-workers that you're furious about being treated
like a digital cog in a soulless e-commerce machine, without being
thrown out on your ear?
Lesson Nine: Your New Media
Heaven: Here's Steve's tips for a good workplace. Based on
years of reading leadership books like Genghis Khan in the
workplace. (Real book, maybe bad title)
Lesson Ten: Surviving Silicon
Alley (How You Too Can Rise to the Top of the Bottom in New
York's Attitude-Ridden Net Scene): I know all of you don't
live in New York. Some of you might find it impossible to deal with.
But if you have to come here for business or pleasure here are some
things which will make it easier.
Lesson Eleven: It's Layoff
Season (The Rat's Have Left The Ship): Not many can explain
why so many large companies decide to cleanse their payrolls of the
rank and file so close to the holidays, but the surmisals are
legion. The obvious answer is that for most companies, the fiscal
year starts on October 1, but the logic behind that date being
chosen to start a company's financial calendar is
chicken-and-the-egg reasoning.
Lesson Twelve: E-Commerce? Bah,
Humbug! (Your Cynical Online Shopping Guide): I freely admit
that there is nothing inherently sinister about allowing customers
direct point-of-purchase for goods and services. But with billions
of holiday shopping dollars at stake, the advertorial nature of most
Web sites has become so transparent that anyone who isn't a complete
shopaholic has got to wonder what went so terribly wrong.
Lesson Thirteen: How to Know
You Work for Idiots (Just in Case You Haven't Figured It
Out): You tell your boss, after completing a serious, long
term project which wowed the clients, that you'd like a raise. They
stare at you like a lunatic and offer you a five percent raise. You
and that job will soon be parting ways. Loyalty is a two-way street
and always has been. Self-sacrifice is for the desperate and the
dumb. No one should demand more of you than they are willing to ask
of themselves.
Lesson Fourteen: How to Know
Your Company Is Going Under (NASDAQ Jungle Mix): Well, if
you want to be the last man in the bunker and get captured by the
Russians and go to Siberia for 10 years, go ahead. But the smart
people wanted to go to Canada. Loyalty is fine. But it has its
limits, usually at the loss of your paycheck.
Lesson Fifteen: Getting
Yourself In & Out of Trouble (What You Don't Know WILL Hurt
You): The girl's club will hate you for sure. People will
take sides. You're now office gossip topic one with a bullet. You
can make peace with your girlfriend, which might lessen the damage.
You can find a new job.
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